Brooke

One of the ship's television channels is devoted to an infomercial about the boat hosted by Brooke Burke. She leads you through the different restaurants and activities available to you, with all of the aplomb that she leant to E's successful “Wild On” series. You see Brooke dressed up for formal night, Brooke indulging in the spa's synchronized massage, Brooke picking up (but never ever eating) sushi with chopsticks, and Brooke dancing the night away at the ship's night club. Watching this, you get a sense that all of the ship's passengers will be as sultry and sophisticated as Ms. Burke, who ends the video by assuring the viewer that she hopes to meet them personally, perhaps on a cruise to Alaska or the Mexican Riviera. While there are many lovely and attractive people on board, there is also a substantial subcategory who like they should be posing for “Recent Invasive Surgery Monthly,” not “Playboy.” They sit by the pool with their oxygen tanks and freshly applied gauze bandages, soaking up the sun. Their canes and walkers fill up the buffet lines as they contemplate which sugar free dessert they'll take. These people are usually the ones you find yourself seeking out on the promenade, if only to eavesdrop on their conversations (which invariably end with the declaration “Time for bed!” no matter what the time is).

Anyway, I bring this up because this video plays in constant rotation. Often I'll land on the channel while flipping around, and a half hour will pass before I realize what has happened. I am sure if I ever go into a coma, I'll murmur things like, “I found a great spot snorkeling today and didn't want to leave, so I'm making it a late dinner tonight” or “I'll definitely have to work this off later, but for now, I'm going to enjoy the chocolate buffet” from my subconscious. The other night at dinner Jason did a pitch perfect imitation of the part where the German hotel director explains to Brooke the different types of dining options available passengers (“Tayx-Mayx, Eetalian, Sooshi, Fohmal, Eenfohmal…”). This launched a game where we would all try to come up with other types of lists that he could rattle off, from types of lawn covering to Kurt Russell movies. It proved inexhaustible for the next day and a half, until the director stopped by our table at dinner the other night. I asked him where the next ship he was working on was going, and we were confronted by the real deal reciting a list of a dozen European countries. This proved too much for Randall, who spasmed quietly behind his napkin. Paul, however, listened respectfully and then said, “That's quite a list there, Klaus.”