Another Swanky Party

The reality TV show threw a party for the entertainers, tech crew, and cruise host staff on Saturday night, as a way of thanking us for adjusting our schedules for them the past week (their show was shot in the theater, so all of our technical rehearsals were either cancelled or moved around, and a lot of regular cruise events were cancelled altogether, so the cruise staff had to scramble to come up with new activities for the passengers). The party was held in the luxury suite where the contestants had lived for the past week. There are two such suites on the top deck of the ship, and we were pretty excited about getting a chance to see what they looked like, since none of us had ever been inside them before. There was a lot of debate about how much they cost, with estimates ranging from $1400 a head to between $24,000 and $30,000 a week. I think the most reliable source reported $24,000, everything else should be regarded as scurrilous gossip.

All of the entertainers were told to meet in the upstairs bar at 9:15 to be escorted up to the party, since you need a special card to access the suites. When we finally got in, it was similar to every first episode of The Real World, where the cast members run from room to room of their new house shrieking in delight at the opulence of their new surroundings. Looking back, I can’t pinpoint exactly what made the suite so special. There were a lot of glass walls, especially in the bathrooms, and everything – the beds, the rooms, the showers – were substantially bigger and more upscale than regular passenger cabins. I considered stealing the soaps and giving them as party favors but then decided that might seem weird. I also got stuck in the bathroom for four terrifying minutes when the sliding door jammed and I thought I was going to spend the night asleep in an empty bath tub. Fortunately my brute strength prevailed and I was able to eventually open the door and free myself. There was also a Jacuzzi in one of the bathrooms, plus a hot tub outside on the patio. The living room overlooked the pool area, and contained a baby grand piano and a telescope, which the host told me the contestants used to look at the pretty ladies sunbathing below. Statues and frescoes of Greek gods were tastefully placed at strategic locations throughout the patio, tricking you into believing you were in a villa on the Mediterranean instead of somewhere off the coast of Florida.

They had a barbecue plus an open bar (with top shelf liquor, none of the cheap stuff for reality TV!) for us. Things remained pretty tame however. I was hoping one of the Russian dancers would jump into the hot tub fully clothed or at least get into a dance off, but they kept their composure. We did find out that the Emmy Winner was staying in the suite next to where the party was, and she had been annoyed that a reality TV show was being shot next to her during her vacation. I decided this was why she had chosen to ignore us after our show, and privately forgave her for any perceived transgression. When I stood on the upper deck of the suite, I realized that I could walk across the roof and jump over the wall into the Emmy Winner’s suite. Sometimes I envision myself as a person with panther like reflexes, and think the only reason I’m not a gentleman jewel thief or ninja is because of circumstance. Fortunately this was not one of these times and I stayed where I was, leaving the Emmy Winner in relative peace.