Drunky

We do a half hour improv show on one of the last nights of the cruise. We perform on the dance floor of the disco, so the show has a much more relaxed and informal feel. Usually this is a really fun experience for us, but this week proved to be a little more trying. The trouble started during our second game, which is called Pillars. We get two audience volunteers, and the two actors improvise a scene. Periodically the actors don’t finish their sentence but tap the audience volunteer, who provides the rest of the sentence. (Example: I went to the store to buy some (touch) groceries! Hilarity ensues.)

The audience volunteer who was matched up with me was a bleach blond haired woman in her early forties. She was very tan and wore a loose fitting top, white Capri pants, and high-heeled shoes with red flashing lights. I thought she might be trouble because she didn’t really pay attention when I explained the game to her and she appeared drunk. When I went through the example with her, she finished the sentence by shouting “Tampons!” I hissed that this was a family show and menses had no part in it.*

The game ended up lasting approximately a minute and forty seconds. Its brevity was due in part because the woman basically talked nonstop, regardless of whether I had tapped her or not. Paul wisely called it short at the woman’s last line, when I tapped the woman and she slurred, “I wasn’t paying attention. I was too busy looking at your ass.”

Drunky (as I now privately referred to her) made a second appearance in our next game, Stage Directions. In this game two actors go out of the room and the audience gives us stage directions for them to perform throughout the scene. Paul had picked up the stage direction “Do a Split” and was attempting to do so when Drunky shouted, “No, no! Like this!” She then ran on the dance floor and dropped into a split, having earlier removed her flashing high heels to do so. Everyone looked at her awkwardly for a second and then the scene resumed and she returned to her seat unfazed.

Our final game was Party Quirks, where the host of a party tries to guess the unusual characteristics of his or her guests. Sue had had a good idea of getting an audience volunteer to play a Christmas present, with the idea that one of the actors could then provide the clues about what the volunteer’s identity was. We were thrown for a loop when the audience said the volunteer should be a martial arts instructor, which required the volunteer to play a more active role in the scene. We were thrown for a bigger loop when the audience volunteer walked on stage and shouted excitedly, “I’m a Martial Arts Instructor! Hi-ya! I’m a Martial Arts Instructor! I’m a Martial Arts Instructor!” That game ended much quicker than anticipated as well.

Our night was capped by returning to the disco around midnight, when the new Singing Duo took over and the dance floor reverted to its original purpose. The Duo was setting up on the stage while Drunky danced by herself to the music playing on the overheard speakers. She then sat down on the stage and started braying, “Dance! C’mon everybody, have a good time and dance!” While this was going on, one of the members of the duo was trying to hook up his guitar to the amp using the cable that Drunky was sitting on. She remained unfazed.

Eventually the Duo was ready and began their set. Unfortunately they kicked it off by playing the anthem for Loud Drunk Women, “I Will Survive.” Drunky lit up and started marching around the dance floor, pumping her fists, and loudly singing along. People were obviously intimidated by her bravado and a little entranced by her performance, so they steered clear of the dance floor. Eventually one of the Dance Hosts bravely brought a partner to the floor, and they tentatively danced alongside Drunky. Slowly, more couples made their way, and Drunky tried to interact with each of them. She briefly found a partner with a heavy guy wearing a “I Heart to Fart” t-shirt, but he abandoned her for a younger woman in a more revealing top. We could only watch so much before we too had to abandon Drunky and we all went to bed.

* I didn’t, but now I wish I kind of did.