The Most Thrilling Thing Ever

First of all, I am sorry that it took me so long to write here. The past three weeks have been taken up by me going to a friend’s wedding, my parents visiting Nassau, me being sick, investigating an onboard mystery, and me doing a freelance assignment (spying) for my former job (CIA). Anyway, all of these experiences pale in comparison to the events that took place this past Saturday, when Beth and I were selected to be judges for the Talent Show.

Now as you may have guessed from some of my prior entries, the Talent Show (I capitalize it because it deserves full respect) has always been one of the highlights of our week. I had often taken issue with the judge’s selection of the winners and their behavior during the show (one judge in particular is fond of answering phone calls during performances or walking out of the room altogether). I knew that I would be more than up to the challenge.

The whole thing came about the prior evening when Beth and I were talking to Ellie, the Principal Singer for the Song and Dance Extravaganza and one of the judges for the Talent Show. I should note that Ellie’s behavior as a judge is always beyond reproach and she is not the one who accepts phone calls during the show. Ellie was showing the new Aerialist around, and we were telling her how much we enjoyed the Talent Show, and then we joked about how we would love to one day be judges. When I say “joked,” know that I mean “said with deadly earnestness.” I thought it was just a throwaway comment, until Beth called me the next day and said, “It’s happening.” Apparently the other two judges would not be able to make the show and Ellie needed substitutes. I immediately began to get ready for the biggest night of my life.

You might ask what makes being judge for the Talent Show so special? Well, besides being in charge of who wins and gets their tape sent off to HEAD OFFICE IN MIAMI FOR A POSSIBLE FREE CRUISE AND FUTURE CONTRACT WITH THE SHIP, there are a number of reasons.

1. You get to sit in a roped off balcony to adjudicate, placing you in a position much like the Roman Emperors at the Colliseum. At the beginning of the show, you are introduced by the MC and stand up and wave to the audience. If I had more advance notice, I would have liked to have been wearing an ascot and black rimmed glasses, but as it was I think I was better off just wearing a suit.
2. You get a free drink. I did not partake in this because I had had a lot to drink the night before but also because I wanted to give the contestants my full, laser-like attention.
3. You get a clipboard with scoring sheets on each of the contestants and you are able to write comments like “Yikes” or “Ouch” on the side of these sheets.

Our work was pretty easy, thankfully. There were only four contestants in the adult portion, one of whom was probably thinking to himself, “What was I thinking?” after he saw his competition. The winner was a man who sang a rendition of “Fly Me To The Moon” that can best be described as “scorching.” The other highlight was a woman who sang an impassioned “New York, New York,” but at this point, I feel like I’ve seen enough Talent Show performances of that song and “My Way” to last me a lifetime.

The junior portion was more of a race. It was kicked off by a very skilled performance of “Someone To Watch Over Me,” which was hampered by the low placement of the microphone which made her slouch throughout the song. A thirteen year old from New Jersey worked his performance of Queen’s “My Best Friend” pretty hard, but was hurt by ending the song by looking at the band in confusion, shrugging his shoulders, and leaving the stage. But he also had to bounce back from the MC calling him by the feminine version of his name and referring to him as “she,” so I shouldn’t be too hard on him. The girl who did a very skilled (and, might I add, suggestive for a so-called eleven year old) dance to Ciara’s “1,2 Step” had a lot of crowd support and I was worried we might get some heat for not selecting her. But the clear winner in our eyes was the thirteen year old who performed a rock and roll medley on electric guitar. He kicked it off with the opening licks of “Purple Haze” and then burned through portions of “Back in Black,” “Carry On My Wayward Son,” and some songs by Ozzy Osbourne and Aerosmith that I can’t remember right now. He also ended his set by extending his arm and making a circle with his thumb and middle and ring fingers, shouting, “Rock on!”

In all, it was a delightful experience that I was thankful to have had, and secretly hope that I will be able to have again in the future.