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Wednesday, August 31, 2005

An Astute Psychological Observation Regarding My Moviegoing Habits

After seeing “The Skeleton Key” two weeks ago, Sue observed that after I've seen a bad movie, I spend the next half hour pretending that I'm one of the lead characters. I think this might be how I exorcise the whole experience from my body. After seeing “The Skeleton Key” for example, I spent our lunch at the food court pretending I was a seventy year old Louisiana matriarch, smoking hand rolled cigarettes and telling people that they wouldn't understand the house. I spent the hour after “Hustle and Flow” pretending to sweat profusely, smoke Marlboros, and complain about my ho's. Yesterday we saw “Red Eye.” I walked out of the movie theater and hid behind a wall. When Beth came into my line of vision I shouted “Hey” and threw my water bottle at her, then ran ran as if she were the head of a shady terrorist organization intent on killing my father and the Head of Homeland Security. I didn't have to pretend to smoke because Rachel McAdams didn't smoke in the movie.

Solving a Mystery

The ship stopped on Monday afternoon because it had spotted a two-person boat floating upside down in the water. They sent out a SCUBA diver to investigate, but she found nothing. They called it into the Coast Guard and sailed on, the apparent conclusion being that it had been blown out by the hurricane from wherever it was tied up on shore.

That's what they want us to believe, anyway, but I've seen enough “Murder, She Wrote”* in my day to know how the criminal mind works. I immediately called Sue and consulted with her. After some deliberation we realized that it had probably been a murder committed by someone on the ship, most likely a shooting with weighted bullets, which would have sunk the victim's body. After preliminary investigation, here is my list of suspects:

The Personnel Officer and/or Her Secretary: After my phone call with Sue, I went back to my room, but my key card was no longer working. I had to go to the Personnel Office to get it recharged, but even after that it didn't work, so I had to go back down. Elapsed time: fifteen minutes. Fifteen minutes where I could have been gathering valuable clues or someone could have been disposing of a gun and weighted bullets. Moreover, when I told them that the ship had stopped to investigate a boat, they both feigned ignorance. I suspect they had wiretapped my phone call with Sue, realized I was getting too close, and then jammed my key card.

The Concierge: He too pretended not to know that the ship had stopped when I told him (after running into him by the Personnel Office, I might add), claiming he had been “taking a nap.” He is a Concierge, so he is responsible for knowing all the goings-ons of the ship, so I don't buy that he didn't know about something as important as the ship stopping. He might be in collusion with the Personnel Office. I will have to investigate further.

The Male Adage Dancer: It was his birthday on Monday. It is entirely possible that it is a tradition in his country to shoot weighted bullets into the ocean on one's birthday.

I will keep you updated on further progressions on the case. Sue has me on pretty grueling investigation schedules and doing non-traditional detective exercises. For example, she just called me and instructed me to watch the episode of “Judging Amy” that's currently playing. In it, Sam from “Freaks and Geeks” guest stars as a high school student who has possibly orchestrated a suicide pact among his friends. I don't know what Sue expects me to learn from this - her methods are inscrutable - but the student's job is not to question, only to do.

*I should add that I'm a big fan of the one hour mystery, and greatly enjoy catching an episode of “Monk” or “Columbo” (as well as the aforementioned MSW) when I can. We only get CNN and TNT on the ship, so I have seen a lot of “Law & Order” episodes in the past three months, which have only honed my detecting skills. I also really want to become a fan of “The Closer,” but have only been able to see one episode (the one where the Saudi Arabian man wasn't killed because he had terrorist ties, but because his wife was having an affair with her daughter's allergist). Others in the cast have been critical of what they consider Ms. Sedgwick's “overdone” or “cornpone” Southern accent (“Think yew” and “Ah am so stoop-id”), but I think that it was probably a carefully researched character choice.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

The Most Thrilling Thing Ever

First of all, I am sorry that it took me so long to write here. The past three weeks have been taken up by me going to a friend’s wedding, my parents visiting Nassau, me being sick, investigating an onboard mystery, and me doing a freelance assignment (spying) for my former job (CIA). Anyway, all of these experiences pale in comparison to the events that took place this past Saturday, when Beth and I were selected to be judges for the Talent Show.

Now as you may have guessed from some of my prior entries, the Talent Show (I capitalize it because it deserves full respect) has always been one of the highlights of our week. I had often taken issue with the judge’s selection of the winners and their behavior during the show (one judge in particular is fond of answering phone calls during performances or walking out of the room altogether). I knew that I would be more than up to the challenge.

The whole thing came about the prior evening when Beth and I were talking to Ellie, the Principal Singer for the Song and Dance Extravaganza and one of the judges for the Talent Show. I should note that Ellie’s behavior as a judge is always beyond reproach and she is not the one who accepts phone calls during the show. Ellie was showing the new Aerialist around, and we were telling her how much we enjoyed the Talent Show, and then we joked about how we would love to one day be judges. When I say “joked,” know that I mean “said with deadly earnestness.” I thought it was just a throwaway comment, until Beth called me the next day and said, “It’s happening.” Apparently the other two judges would not be able to make the show and Ellie needed substitutes. I immediately began to get ready for the biggest night of my life.

You might ask what makes being judge for the Talent Show so special? Well, besides being in charge of who wins and gets their tape sent off to HEAD OFFICE IN MIAMI FOR A POSSIBLE FREE CRUISE AND FUTURE CONTRACT WITH THE SHIP, there are a number of reasons.

1. You get to sit in a roped off balcony to adjudicate, placing you in a position much like the Roman Emperors at the Colliseum. At the beginning of the show, you are introduced by the MC and stand up and wave to the audience. If I had more advance notice, I would have liked to have been wearing an ascot and black rimmed glasses, but as it was I think I was better off just wearing a suit.
2. You get a free drink. I did not partake in this because I had had a lot to drink the night before but also because I wanted to give the contestants my full, laser-like attention.
3. You get a clipboard with scoring sheets on each of the contestants and you are able to write comments like “Yikes” or “Ouch” on the side of these sheets.

Our work was pretty easy, thankfully. There were only four contestants in the adult portion, one of whom was probably thinking to himself, “What was I thinking?” after he saw his competition. The winner was a man who sang a rendition of “Fly Me To The Moon” that can best be described as “scorching.” The other highlight was a woman who sang an impassioned “New York, New York,” but at this point, I feel like I’ve seen enough Talent Show performances of that song and “My Way” to last me a lifetime.

The junior portion was more of a race. It was kicked off by a very skilled performance of “Someone To Watch Over Me,” which was hampered by the low placement of the microphone which made her slouch throughout the song. A thirteen year old from New Jersey worked his performance of Queen’s “My Best Friend” pretty hard, but was hurt by ending the song by looking at the band in confusion, shrugging his shoulders, and leaving the stage. But he also had to bounce back from the MC calling him by the feminine version of his name and referring to him as “she,” so I shouldn’t be too hard on him. The girl who did a very skilled (and, might I add, suggestive for a so-called eleven year old) dance to Ciara’s “1,2 Step” had a lot of crowd support and I was worried we might get some heat for not selecting her. But the clear winner in our eyes was the thirteen year old who performed a rock and roll medley on electric guitar. He kicked it off with the opening licks of “Purple Haze” and then burned through portions of “Back in Black,” “Carry On My Wayward Son,” and some songs by Ozzy Osbourne and Aerosmith that I can’t remember right now. He also ended his set by extending his arm and making a circle with his thumb and middle and ring fingers, shouting, “Rock on!”

In all, it was a delightful experience that I was thankful to have had, and secretly hope that I will be able to have again in the future.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Another Swanky Party

The reality TV show threw a party for the entertainers, tech crew, and cruise host staff on Saturday night, as a way of thanking us for adjusting our schedules for them the past week (their show was shot in the theater, so all of our technical rehearsals were either cancelled or moved around, and a lot of regular cruise events were cancelled altogether, so the cruise staff had to scramble to come up with new activities for the passengers). The party was held in the luxury suite where the contestants had lived for the past week. There are two such suites on the top deck of the ship, and we were pretty excited about getting a chance to see what they looked like, since none of us had ever been inside them before. There was a lot of debate about how much they cost, with estimates ranging from $1400 a head to between $24,000 and $30,000 a week. I think the most reliable source reported $24,000, everything else should be regarded as scurrilous gossip.

All of the entertainers were told to meet in the upstairs bar at 9:15 to be escorted up to the party, since you need a special card to access the suites. When we finally got in, it was similar to every first episode of The Real World, where the cast members run from room to room of their new house shrieking in delight at the opulence of their new surroundings. Looking back, I can’t pinpoint exactly what made the suite so special. There were a lot of glass walls, especially in the bathrooms, and everything – the beds, the rooms, the showers – were substantially bigger and more upscale than regular passenger cabins. I considered stealing the soaps and giving them as party favors but then decided that might seem weird. I also got stuck in the bathroom for four terrifying minutes when the sliding door jammed and I thought I was going to spend the night asleep in an empty bath tub. Fortunately my brute strength prevailed and I was able to eventually open the door and free myself. There was also a Jacuzzi in one of the bathrooms, plus a hot tub outside on the patio. The living room overlooked the pool area, and contained a baby grand piano and a telescope, which the host told me the contestants used to look at the pretty ladies sunbathing below. Statues and frescoes of Greek gods were tastefully placed at strategic locations throughout the patio, tricking you into believing you were in a villa on the Mediterranean instead of somewhere off the coast of Florida.

They had a barbecue plus an open bar (with top shelf liquor, none of the cheap stuff for reality TV!) for us. Things remained pretty tame however. I was hoping one of the Russian dancers would jump into the hot tub fully clothed or at least get into a dance off, but they kept their composure. We did find out that the Emmy Winner was staying in the suite next to where the party was, and she had been annoyed that a reality TV show was being shot next to her during her vacation. I decided this was why she had chosen to ignore us after our show, and privately forgave her for any perceived transgression. When I stood on the upper deck of the suite, I realized that I could walk across the roof and jump over the wall into the Emmy Winner’s suite. Sometimes I envision myself as a person with panther like reflexes, and think the only reason I’m not a gentleman jewel thief or ninja is because of circumstance. Fortunately this was not one of these times and I stayed where I was, leaving the Emmy Winner in relative peace.