Recap of Week 2

Leaving New York we were able to see the view of the city and the Statue of Liberty, which we had missed the week before because we had been at a safety tour of the boat (where we learned how to deploy the fire and water doors, which are powerful enough to snap a person's arm off, fyi). Sue and Paul had told us they normally play “Proud to Be an American” as we sail by the Statue, but I couldn't hear it. I played it much cooler this week, and didn't get suckered into buying the $6.95 Banana Daiquiris that the wait staff offers on the pool deck.

On Monday night we went to see the song and dance extravaganza in the theatre. We had watched it last week, so the repeat viewing really helped me appreciate my favorite parts (“Let's Get Loud” and “Roxanne”) and try to figure out which of the dance or gymnastic moves I would want to learn if the dance company ever offered tutorials.

Monday night represented a major breakthrough for the new members of the cast. We went to the crew bar for the first time. This had been a place that had been described in larger than life terms to us, much like America was probably described to 19th century European immigrants. Beer for only $1! A hotbed of international intrigue, with fights between the Indonesian and Philippine mafias! In actuality it was a very nice cafeteria where you can get beer for the aforementioned price. We met a lot of the dancers (or at least the English-speaking ones) and felt like major inroads had been made in intracrew relations.

Tuesday we went to the mall in Port Canaveral and saw the Star Wars movie. I enjoyed it much more than the other two prequels, but I was also deeply grateful just for the chance to see a movie in an actual movie theater. The movies selected for the ship's channels are either edited for content (a lot of “gosh damns” and other awkward swear substitutions) or recent films targeted at the preteen girl audience (“Cheaper By the Dozen,” “Princess Diaries 2,” “Just Married,” “Raise Your Voice,” “A Cinderella Story” -if you're not a Hillary Duff fan at the beginning of the cruise, you will be by the end). I have seen most of the movies all the way through, mostly with the sound off at the gym. They work really well as silent films, but I was ready for the full movie theatre experience. Afterwards, we talked about the parts we liked (the fights, especially the last one between Anakin and Obi-Wan) and the parts we didn't (Natalie Portman brushing her hair).

The shows Wednesday went really well. I felt more confident doing them but the audiences weren't as responsive as last week. I don't know why that is, except maybe the passengers this cruise might be a little older on average. Afterwards, we went out to the bar and later the disco, where I noticed a demographic change. The younger passengers from the last cruise were mostly from New Jersey, but those from this cruise (or at least the socially dominant ones) were mostly from Southeastern Massachusetts. There isn't a lot of difference in the fashion, the skirts are still short and the polo shorts are still worn with the collars up. But I grew up 45 minutes south of Boston, and when one of the guys told us we were “wicked funny,” it was like I was home again.

Thursday Randall and I went to the private island, where I managed to avoid stepping on any anemones (or whatever caused the foot misfortune from last week). We walked down the nature walk to the lighthouse, which took about a half hour. The term “nature walk” is misleading, since it's mostly a wide dirt path cut through a grove of palm trees, and looks more like a tribute to deforestation than nature appreciation. After a while you get to a field with some concrete embankments, an overgrown airplane landing strip, and a rusted lawn mower. Undeterred, we moved on to the signs leading to the lighthouse. The lighthouse was equally disappointing and looked like the kind of place you'd go to get tetanus or store the skins of your victims. We walked up the staircase, which was missing several steps and required you to maneuver past an abandoned generator on one of the landings. The windows of the lookout were covered with grime or boarded up, but if you stood on your tiptoes, you got a pretty good view of the island.

We went swimming by the dock. There is a pretty beach a short swim from the dock, but we decided to leave that for another time. A few stray passengers walked up, equally disappointed in the lighthouse and walk. Most of them were middle-aged and weren't wearing swimsuits, so they'd take a picture of themselves with one of the islands in the background and then leave. On our walk back we encountered a lot of people who asked us how much farther to the lighthouse. We did our civic duty and told them to turn around.

That night we ate at the sushi bar. I made it an early night because I was feeling sick and also because I had to wake up early to fly home for my grandfather's funeral. I woke up at 3:45 and disembarked the boat fifteen minutes later. I realized I had not taken into account catching a cab at four in the morning in Nassau. There was a line of cabs outside the security gate, but they were all off duty, the drivers sleeping in the back seat of their minivan taxis. One of them was awake and I asked him if he would take me to the airport. He said that he was off duty, whereupon I offered to pay double. I thought for sure this would grease the wheels, but the driver remained unfazed and sent me on my way. I woke up another driver who also refused to take me, but he sent me to the main street and told me I could catch a cab there. Surprisingly, I did. The driver who stopped had a passenger in the back seat, a blond woman in a sundress and floppy hat. She was in her late forties and, as I later found out, from South Carolina.

I wasn't entirely sure about what her story was, but I think she had just left her boyfriend or spouse. At one point, she said, “I woke up at two in the morning and realized I did it. I finally left him.” When I told them I was going home for a funeral, they were appropriately sympathetic, and she talked about how death was difficult, and how her own brother had died of an aneurism while driving home several years ago. She said, “Ah would give up all Ah own, all of mah houses, just to have five moah minutes with him.” The driver and I nodded and reflected on that, and then I was dropped off at the airport.

The wake and funeral were both great tributes to my grandfather, and it was fantastic to see my family and sleep in a bed that didn't move for two days. I flew back on Sunday and met Beth in Times Square. It's Fleet Week in New York so the docks were crowded with sailors and tourists. On the way down, we saw Rip Taylor walking by a line of high school students waiting to see Hal Holbrook as Mark Twain. Since this was the second celebrity sighting I've had in New York in as many weeks, I saw it as a sign that this cruise would be something special.

If I needed further proof, who should I run into at the buffet when I get back on board but the Tri's and Bi's guy? He had mentioned in his conversation with me and Jason that he was trying to work a deal with the ship to stay on for an extra week, but since I hadn't seen him last week I assumed it didn't happen. But there he was, in the flesh, wearing a Nevada t-shirt and standing with another guy I recognized from the previous cruise. Tri's and Bi's seemed a little taken aback that I remembered his first name. I introduced myself to his friend, who asked if I was the “Chicago guy.” He said he had spent some time in the city and it was a good time. I told them I would see them around, and since then we've been on a state of high alert, pointing him out whenever he's in the vicinity.

Asserting Myself

On Monday night we went to see the Song and Dance extravaganza again. I have begun to see this show as my time for thoughtful reflection. It acts as a reset button for me and helps me get into the proper mindset for the week ahead.

We went to the mall in Port Canaveral again and ended up seeing “Crash.” (As a side note, only Paul, Sue, and I saw the movie. Paul and Sue told me that Beth didn't go because she had struck up a friendship with a man she met at the mall. They said he was shopping for a gift for his mother and asked Beth, who was the same size as his mother, to try a shirt on for him. Beth ended up liking the shirt so much that she bought it too, and they had decided to go to Barnes and Noble's together. Sue said the guy was very nice, in his late thirties, lived in a warehouse, and owned a boat that he invited them to go on some time. I only found out that this was a WEB OF LIES when Beth expressed confusion when I hugged her at dinner and said, “I'm so glad you weren't murdered” and then later when I asked her about the guy point blank). Anyway, “Crash” was very good, marred only by the running commentary of the various elderly people in the audience and the dispatches from the walkie-talkies of the ushers during the last fifteen minutes. We complained to the manager afterwards and got rain tickets for a future movie! This gesture made me drunk with power, and I'm already plotting my next complaint that will garner me free movie tickets.

Also, the Tri's and Bi's guy was on the bus back to the boat from the mall. We talked with him and his friend and Paul asked them how this cruise compared to the last. The friend of TAB (who Beth described as a nineteen year-old who already looks like the middle-aged accountant he will one day become) said that this cruise had a “better supply of honies.” The conversation ended soon after.

Saying Goodbye

The passengers left this morning. It was strange to realize this will happen fourteen more times. I didn't interact with many of the passengers, but there were a lot that we saw on a pretty frequent basis and developed nicknames for. There was Michael Phelps, so called because of his resemblance to the Olympic swimmer, who was usually seen by himself and never seemed able to crack any of the different social circles formed by the other kids his age. David Beckham was first seen wearing a linen suit, pink shirt, and aviator sunglasses in the buffet line (where the standard dress code is usually expand-a-belt shorts, black socks and dress shoes) but I later saw him at the gym wearing a white polo shirt, white sweatpants, and what I can only describe as sequined elf shoes.

Speaking of fashion, I've begun to notice a rise in hologram gold jewelry. A man we met on the private island had a chain with his mother's image on it, and a woman last night had a necklace with a representation of her two kids emblazoned on a small medallion. I say this without any malice or judgment, but simply as observation of a new trend.

When in New York, I met my friend Jamie for lunch. He took me to a drug store where I bought a watch and then to a magazine store. I saw Fisher Stevens walk by; he was very tan and talking on a cell phone handset. Jamie didn't believe that I really saw him but I think he was upset that I had noticed the star of the “Short Circuit” series and he had not.

Tonight we ate at the buffet, which had a Presidential theme. This meant that they were serving President Carter's carrot and raisin salad, Nancy Reagan's Thai Chicken Curry, and Betty Ford's fish cakes. I wish I were making this stuff up.

Brooke

One of the ship's television channels is devoted to an infomercial about the boat hosted by Brooke Burke. She leads you through the different restaurants and activities available to you, with all of the aplomb that she leant to E's successful “Wild On” series. You see Brooke dressed up for formal night, Brooke indulging in the spa's synchronized massage, Brooke picking up (but never ever eating) sushi with chopsticks, and Brooke dancing the night away at the ship's night club. Watching this, you get a sense that all of the ship's passengers will be as sultry and sophisticated as Ms. Burke, who ends the video by assuring the viewer that she hopes to meet them personally, perhaps on a cruise to Alaska or the Mexican Riviera. While there are many lovely and attractive people on board, there is also a substantial subcategory who like they should be posing for “Recent Invasive Surgery Monthly,” not “Playboy.” They sit by the pool with their oxygen tanks and freshly applied gauze bandages, soaking up the sun. Their canes and walkers fill up the buffet lines as they contemplate which sugar free dessert they'll take. These people are usually the ones you find yourself seeking out on the promenade, if only to eavesdrop on their conversations (which invariably end with the declaration “Time for bed!” no matter what the time is).

Anyway, I bring this up because this video plays in constant rotation. Often I'll land on the channel while flipping around, and a half hour will pass before I realize what has happened. I am sure if I ever go into a coma, I'll murmur things like, “I found a great spot snorkeling today and didn't want to leave, so I'm making it a late dinner tonight” or “I'll definitely have to work this off later, but for now, I'm going to enjoy the chocolate buffet” from my subconscious. The other night at dinner Jason did a pitch perfect imitation of the part where the German hotel director explains to Brooke the different types of dining options available passengers (“Tayx-Mayx, Eetalian, Sooshi, Fohmal, Eenfohmal…”). This launched a game where we would all try to come up with other types of lists that he could rattle off, from types of lawn covering to Kurt Russell movies. It proved inexhaustible for the next day and a half, until the director stopped by our table at dinner the other night. I asked him where the next ship he was working on was going, and we were confronted by the real deal reciting a list of a dozen European countries. This proved too much for Randall, who spasmed quietly behind his napkin. Paul, however, listened respectfully and then said, “That's quite a list there, Klaus.”

Disclaimer

I should say that this blog does not reflect the opinions of neither the ship nor theater for which I work.

The Medical Center

I went there this morning just to make sure everything was okay with the blood blister. Apparently I am not done paying my penance for my mocking of the pictures, as the doctor said there was a piece of coral embedded in my foot. The doctor is from South Africa, and resembles a heartier (and I should say, much nicer) version of Laurence Olivier in “Marathon Man.” I think I also made the “Marathon Man” connection because he spent the next twenty minutes extracting said coral from my foot with pins, tweezers, and scissors, murmuring, “Ah, you've got quite a few granules of sand in here. There's quite a large foreign body deep in here. (plunging the needle/tweezers/scissors deep into the nerve center of my foot) Sorry! Sorry!”

He patched me up and said that I should be fine in a few days. He thinks that I might have stepped on a sea urchin, and told me to lay off running until it heals. I will be on the lookout for Aqua Socks when we get to New York.

Private Island

We woke up early on Thursday and got on one of the tender boats and were ferried to the private island. We spent a few hours there swimming and lying on the beach. The area there is pretty contained with about a half mile of beach, a gazebo where a band plays, some shops where you can get your hair braided or buy coconut monkeys and t-shirts, a barbecue area where they served burgers, etc., and a building with restrooms. Sue said there's a path that leads to a dock about two miles away, and from there she thinks you could swim to another island that nobody is on. We might try to do that in the next few weeks. The one downfall from the experience was that I stepped on what I thought was a rock in the water and felt a sharp pain in my foot. This will come into play later.

When we got back to the ship I was tired and sunburned so I slept for a few hours. We had dinner (lobster and pumpkin bisque, sirloin steak, chocolate bread pudding) and then got ready for the kid's workshop that three of us will teach every Thursday. Randall, Beth, and I killed some time looking at the photos up for sale. The ship photographer takes pictures throughout the cruise (you boarding the ship, you at dinner, you at formal night, you with the captain, etc.) that are then displayed in the hallway of one of the main decks for you perusal and purchase. They are usually good for a lot of laughs, as they manage to capture people at the worst possible moment. It's not mature, but I've enjoyed going around and pointing out my favorites to the other cast members (“Look at her wig!” “Look at how lonely he is!”). Well, I got my comeuppance as the photographer had taken two pictures of us coming out of the beach that afternoon, and he managed to make me look pale, scrawny, and have a gut all in the same shot. They were also given prime viewing displays for all to see. I considered shelling out the forty bucks just so they'd be taken out of rotation, or at least to have a “before” photo to compare with the end of the cruise, but thought better of it.

The workshop ended up being cancelled so we were able to get off at Nassau earlier than expected. We took a cab to Atlantis, a casino, because Paul and Sue wanted to show us the aquarium there. The aquarium was pretty impressive, largely in part because of a manta ray with a nine-foot wingspan. We walked around for a while and then went back to the boat and called it an early night. When I took off my socks and shoes I saw what appeared to be a small blood blister on my foot from where I stepped on the rock. To be continued...

Tri's and Bi's

The shows went really well last night. I was a little nervous beforehand because the ship was rocking before we began, but it seemed to calm down by the end and all went well. Afterwards we went to the Sky Bar, which is on the top deck. We’ve been there the last few nights and I’m always surprised that more people aren’t there. It’s right next to the big steak restaurant in the boat, so it has more of a 1950’s double martini at lunch décor. From there we went to the dance club a few floors down. We had been there the previous night and it had been empty but this time it was packed with late high school/early college students whose general demeanor could best be described as “where are your parents” attire. We ended up staying there for a while making new friends brushing the dirt off our collective shoulders.

Afterwards Jason, the piano player, and I went to the ship’s 24 hour diner. He had a cheeseburger and I had the chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs. A few minutes after we had been served one of the kids from the club staggered in and sat down with us. I’m not sure why he chose us out of all the other tables as neither Jason nor I had met or even seen him at the club, but we were soon deep in conversation. He explained that he had to leave the club because they had questioned his fake ID. He was waiting for some time to pass before he re-entered in the hopes that the bartenders would have forgotten about him by then, and then he was “going to chill with this girl” that he met. I offered him one of the nuggets, but he said he couldn’t since they were breaded and he doesn’t eat carbs. This launched a fifteen monologue where he explained his new devotion to the Atkins’ Diet. He told us how he couldn’t eat “carbs, pasta, any kinds of bread, macaroni, and carbohydrates.” When I asked him about drinking, he said you don’t drink beer (although he thought Michelob Ultra might be okay) and were allowed to drink as much hard alcohol as you wanted (he prefers flavored vodka and diet Coke). He guaranteed we would lose weight if we would only follow his plan. All the red meat you wanted! Protein city! He also outlined his workout regimen for us, which consisted of separate days at the gym devoted to “legs, chest and back, tri’s and bi’s, and abs.”

He told us more about himself. He is on the cruise with his father and brother, who is a gynecologist in suburban Chicago. His brother and father had fought the night before when the brother came back from the club and farted on the sleeping father’s head. This caused the father to flush a bottle of Raspberry Stoli down the toilet in retaliation. Our new friend also told us that he was a college sophomore from Rhode Island who wants to be a property manager in Florida. He advised us to buy property in New Tampa (although he warned “you didn’t hear that from me”). Since I don’t have the money for that at this time, I thought I might pass it on to those of you with the means to do so.

Then the dam broke. He found out that we had performed that night and a shadow fell across his face. He confessed that he had not enjoyed the show at all, and had only laughed twice. He said that he thought the juggler from the previous night had been funnier, and he hadn’t thought that the juggler was that funny. He complained that most of the stuff we had done had been done by “those British guys in the 80’s” (we later concluded this was in reference to one of the improv games in the show and thought he was referring to the original “Whose Line is it Anyway” cast). The conversation at this point became a little circular. It took him a while to place us from the cast. He didn’t realize that we’d been on stage at first; finally about halfway through he squinted his eyes at me, pointed his finger at me, and said, “I know you. I know you dude.” He would keep repeating how much he hadn’t enjoyed the show, and then apologize and say “I’m just being honest.” His main fault with the show was that it hadn’t been edgy enough, which is a fair complaint since our show is contracted to be a PG show and so is specifically softer than a typical touring or resident stage show. He asked us if we had seen a 21+ show on a previous cruise put on by “that black guy from Comedy Central,” which had been hysterical. He invited us to go back to the club with him but we explained we were tired and wanted to go to bed (it was 4:00 am by this point). His parting words of advice were that we should make our show “more erotic.”

Private Island

Newlywed Game

I wanted to remember that the cruise director hosted a “Newlywed Game” the other night that we all watched. They selected four couples from “just married” to “married over thirty years.” When asked what his wife would consider his most annoying habit, the newlywed groom replied, “When I tell her to shut up.” It went downhill from there. Also, it was taped and plays on the ship’s tv channel throughout the week, making the couples minor celebrities onboard (“Look honey, there’s the guy who said he’d make his wife’s brain bigger!”).

First Dispatch

I am on day 4 of my new job working on a big boat. Some things I have learned so far:

-It is important to record memories of this experience, hence the blog and the digital camera I bought a few days ago
-It is fun to take pictures, like of the airport driver who Zsa Zsa Gabored my last name into "Dahlink"
-Security does not like it when you take pictures of them when you are entering the ship
-It takes me a while to remember how to delete pictures from my digital camera, especially when Security is angrily hovering over me
-Security is surprisingly indifferent to people petting the drug dog right before he is supposed to sniff their luggage
-Filet Mignon is just as delicious the third night as it is the first

So far, most of my time has been spent either rehearsing the show or acclimating myself to the boat. I have gone to the ship's gym a few times, and have been touched by their lax enforcement of their "no sandals on the treadmill" policy for some of the older passengers. Other than that, I haven't taken advantage of the pool, good weather, or hot tubs (which are usually staked out by a gaggle of eight year-olds from sunrise to sunset).

The food has been pretty amazing, and I have had plenty of fish, lobster, and the aforementioned filet mignon. Most of our daytime meals are eaten at the buffet, which has a pretty good selection, but should be noted for its soundtrack. They play a continuous stream of songs more commonly associated with weddings or ice-dancing finals. Today during lunch I heard Roxette, Bryan Adams, and Air Supply. It is a bizarre experience to eat mahi mahi while staring out a vast expanse of sea and listening to “All Out of Love.”

We have our first show tonight, so we have rehearsal pretty much all day today. Tomorrow we arrive at the private island, which will also mark the first time I will have gotten off the boat since we arrived.